by Carol Woodliff
Sometimes the hardest person to be honest with is yourself. I am a big believer in positive thinking and affirmations, but they won’t get you where you want to go on their own. Affirmations are not magic. They set up the right conditions for us to act but we still have to take action.
I recently was talking to someone about her business, she said to me I have been affirming that I have more clients each and everyday but my business just isn’t growing. As we talked, I realized that she hadn’t done any marketing or advertising, hadn’t asked for referrals from current clients, and hadn’t done any personal networking. It was as though she expected the new clients to tap into her brain waves and show up at her door. She was caught up in magical thinking as though the affirmation alone would bring clients to her.
We can engage in all sorts of magical thinking.
- Someday I’ll pay off my credit cards-but haven’t stopped using the cards or started paying more than the minimum payment but someday they will magically be paid off.
- Someday I’ll meet the man of my dreams. But the man of my dreams is perfect–he is a millionaire, is kind, never loses his temper, is handsome and over 6 feet tall, is a gourmet cook and wants nothing more than to make beautiful babies with me and snuggle by the fire. He will support me in whatever I want to do. (Right!)
- Someday I’ll win the lottery and I won’t ever have to worry about money anymore. Of course, I need to buy a ticket first.
These may sound ridiculous when put on paper but admit it, we all have our own version of magical thinking.
When we want to make a change in our life and it isn’t happening, we can do one of two things: say that affirmations don’t work or come up with reasons why things aren’t happening. I know I’m great at justifying why I’m not getting done the things I want to get done. Right now I’ve got a great list of reasons to justify why I’m not exercising as regularly as I would like to:
- My mother was ill in May and that got me off schedule.
- It’s too hot.
- I worked too late last night.
- I had meetings today and couldn’t fit it in.
- Etc.
- Etc.
Sound familiar to anyone? No matter how many times I say to myself I am physically fit, I still have to take action and exercise in order to make that happen. I realized that all my justifications are just excuses for not doing something that I have mixed feelings about doing. Making those excuses takes away my power. I’d be better off saying. I choose not to exercise because it is not a big enough priority for me. At least that would put the responsibility for my choice squarely back on my shoulders!
How do you tell if you are making an excuse? Part of you recognizes an excuse just like you recognize a child explaining all the reason he couldn’t do his homework. But if you need some help recognizing an excuse– here are some as food for thought:
- I don’t know why I can’t lose weight. I eat healthy food. (But how much healthy food? And am I conveniently forgetting the two brownies I ate at 3 p.m. at a pick me up and the huge bowl of ice cream before bed? I only had a salad for dinner-but was that salad 1000 calories?)
- I don’t have time to write a book. (How am I really spending my time? Where are the pockets of time I could use? What am I choosing to do instead? Did I spend 3 hours last night watching TV? Or what about the internet time? Everyone gets the same 24 hours-am I really choosing to use my time in a way that means the book cannot get written right now?)
- I’d like a new job or to start a business but I can’t leave this one because I need the health insurance and benefits. (Do I know that a new job wouldn’t provide better benefits? Have I even looked to see if I could find a job with a better health plan that would pay me enough for any waiting period I might have due to my pre-existing condition? Have I checked into what possibilities are for self-insurance? Maybe I need benefits but if I haven’t examined the alternatives, I’m making an excuse.)
- I’d like to find a mate but it’s hard to meet someone. (Have I even tried to meet someone? Have I done anything outside of my normal routine? Have I joined in any new activities? Told my friends I’m looking? Done internet dating? Or put myself out there in any way?)
- I’m too old to learn. (What’s too old? Research shows that learning new things helps keep us young. What am I afraid of? Unless perhaps I want to become a neurosurgeon at 75-maybe that isn’t possible but in general age is an excuse!)
- I’ve tried everything! (Have I really? Have I asked for help? Have I really done my best at every attempt? Have I really exhausted all possible resources?)
- I don’t know where time goes. The whole day just got away from me. (Only I know how I used my time. Maybe I’m not conscious of it. But I have the ability to look at how I misused my time or how another task had priority today. Saying I don’t know where the time went is like saying I don’t have the ability to notice what I’m doing and how I’m choosing to use my time.)
It’s easy to make an excuse. But the very act of making an excuse diminishes our power to live our lives. Being human is a complicated thing. Our behavior is not easily summed up in a one sentence excuse. Don’t let yourself off the hook so easily. When you start hearing yourself make an excuse the way to get back your power is to ask the right questions. Once you recognize an excuse for what it is you have the power to make a different choice which in my case was blocking time for exercise on my calendar each day this week.